Tools for Giving World-Class Feedback: Two Questions and Two Postures
What if we could create workplaces where feedback conversations flow naturally in both directions? Where trust and curiosity replace fear and defensiveness? It kind of sounds like utopia a bit, doesn’t it? But I think it's possible, and I think this transformation starts with two simple but powerful questions and two postures to hold when offering or receiving feedback.
The First Question is For Feedback Givers: "How is this also true about me?"
Before offering feedback to others, pause and examine your own behavior. Often, we're most critical of others regarding things we struggle with ourselves. This doesn't mean you shouldn't offer the feedback—it means approaching it from a place of humility rather than judgment. When you recognize your own imperfections in the feedback you're giving, you'll naturally deliver it with more compassion and humility.
The Second Question is for feedback receivers: "How is this true?"
Instead of immediately defending or explaining away feedback, approach it with genuine curiosity. When we receive feedback as information rather than attack, we create space for learning and growth. Even feedback that feels unfair or exaggerated often contains a grain of truth worth exploring.
These questions shift feedback from a power dynamic to a learning partnership. To make those questions even more powerful, there are two postures we can take that will help us create a world-class feedback environment
Posture #1: Separate Facts from Stories.
Effective feedback distinguishes between facts (something you could record with a video camera and we could all agree upon) and the stories we create about those facts.
Consider the difference: "The sun is shining outside" is a fact. "It's a beautiful day" is a story—one person might love sunny weather while another prefers rain. In feedback conversations, we too often present our stories as universal facts, creating unnecessary conflict.
Posture #2: Use Unarguable Language
Frame feedback around your direct experience rather than universal pronouncements. Share what you observed, what you felt, and what you would prefer differently.
For example, instead of saying: "Chris, you talk too fast. I couldn't understand a word you were saying," try: "Chris, I noticed your speaking pace felt quite rapid to me, and I found myself wishing you would slow down, so I could better absorb the valuable points you were making."
The second approach accomplishes the same goal while remaining respectful and opening space for dialogue rather than defensiveness.
Practical Implementation: Real-World Challenges
Implementing this approach isn't always straightforward. Power dynamics complicate feedback between managers and subordinates. Cultural differences affect how people interpret directness. Time pressures can make thoughtful feedback feel like a luxury.
Here’s how to start. First, place “small bets” before placing “bigger bets.” Practice these techniques in lower-stakes situations first. When power dynamics are at play, acknowledge them explicitly: "I know feedback from your manager can feel loaded, but I'm hoping we can explore this together." With cultural differences, ask about communication preferences upfront.
Second, begin with yourself. The next time you feel the urge to give feedback, pause and ask: "How is this also true about me?" Notice how this awareness changes your tone and approach.
When receiving feedback—even feedback that initially stings—challenge yourself to ask, "How might this be true?" Approaching the feedback with curiosity rather than defensiveness will allow you to connect with whatever learning is available.
When teams consistently practice conscious feedback—grounded in self-awareness, delivered with empathy, and received with curiosity—something remarkable happens. Drama decreases, learning increases, and psychological safety flourishes. People become more willing to take risks, share ideas, and address problems directly.
This isn't just about improving individual relationships; it's about creating organizations where growth and innovation can thrive. In a world where adaptability and continuous learning are competitive advantages, the ability to give and receive feedback effectively becomes a crucial organizational capability.
The path forward starts with two simple questions and two essential postures. The transformation that follows can reshape not just how we work together, but how effectively we learn and grow.